Thursday, January 3, 2013

Here I Am, and I Am Just Here

So let's catch up, it's been so long...at least I think it has.  I mean it must be....I feel like I haven't written anything in so long.

Truth is I haven't.

Truth is I have let things just fade off into dust.

Truth is...I've been ok with it.  I've been living.  Working.  Bitching.  Complaining. Crying.  Fighting.  Loving.

I had to step away to live, I had to step away to let the words in my head dissolve into nothing.  The words were too much.  The words muddled things up. 

So I walked way.  I hid.  I bured myself in grown up things like work and school and parenthood.  I did all them well, to the best of all my abilities.

Now I understand why so many people are so visably miserable.

Truth is, the words won.

They never dissolved.  They grew.  They exploded into things that kept me awake at night.  The words picked at me.  Took pieces of me away with them.  They became graphic records of things I should have said, done, not done.  My silence fed them. 

Silly words.

I sound insane.  And I think that's what things look like when you ignore what you should be putting down on paper.  The words need to become.  They need to be real.  They need to be on paper to breathe! 

Will I give them that?  The air to breath?  I don't know.  I truly have not carved the time out in the stone that is my life.  I deemed them not needed.

I think that they may be mad, those pesky words....

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Cake, Crumbs and All

Nearly 20 years ago I remember not getting a birthday cake.

Ok, that's not entirely true.  I remember not getting the cake that was traditionally mine.  Yellow cake, chocolate frosting, M&M "happy birthday" written on it.  Period. The End.

What I got, and by got I mean I had to go into the store and buy, was a teeny tiny ice cream cake.

I told myself that I would not cry in front of him.  I would not show him how badly it hurt that I didn't get *my* cake that I was sure my mother instructed him I needed.  Bastard.

Holy freaking princess get a life, right??!

Sorry, I was 20.  I needed that damn cake.

So here it is, 20 years later.  And I could care less about cake.  It hadn't even occurred to me that I'd need cake tomorrow.

Plus I hate cake.  Sorry Mom.  I have always hated cake.  I like cupcakes.  They're small and single served.  All mine.  There's no sharing.

Anyway, back to the cake day.  Yeah.  That's tomorrow.  I'm 40.

Holy crap, I'm 40.  I can't believe it.  It's *that* number.  I keep looking around waiting for something to snap in my head.  To feel panic, or regret...

...but I don't.

What I feel is excitement.  Certainly not contentment.  That's boring.

It's another set of 10.  I love the start of the new 10!





Monday, August 13, 2012

Brunch WIth the Dalai Lama

A few weeks ago I read another blog and ran across this brilliant sentence, "Stop spreading lies about me and I will stop telling the truth about you."

All damn day I could not stop thinking about that sentence.  I swear I even dreamt about it.  It's so simple, so honest. 

I seriously wish I said it, thought it up....

So let's all play along ok?

I don't have the will, desire or the time to continue dabbling in what can only be described as high school antics.

I hope they've grown up.

I hope they've found a new more productive positive hobby.

I hope they find their own peace....and stop constantly trying to break mine down with pointless negativity.

Because it's overdone and boring and it's damaging no one but them.

No I haven't had brunch with the Dalai Lama, but I'm betting he's a hoot and half.

I haven't found Jesus (who is not behind my couch by the way), or learned a new level of forgiveness, or found any other New Age-y find your inner peace with shells type thing.

My glass is half full...either with water, wine, or coffee...but it's always half full.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm Rubber, You're Glue...I Have Lots of Books, You Probably Have Two

I jokingly blogged about hoarding awhile back.  The idea of  hoarding amused me, considering what it was I "collected".

Recently I was called a hoarder because of my enormous collection of books.

Oh.the.horror.

Yes, that's right.  I have a few books laying around.  And both my girlies do as well.

There are bookcases in nearly every room of our home...and I say home because without books there can be no home....only a soulless box.

Only my opinion of course, but I'd rather have a home full of books than anything else...

We read people.  We all read a lot.  And we all enjoy seeing the books we've read.  This is especially important to my daughters....right now each book they devour is a notch in their belts.

I say let 'em pile the books to the ceilings!  It's not like they're collecting crack pipes.

One of my biggest regrets is cutting down my book collection before The Move.  I find myself looking for books that I know I have, only to realize that I no longer do.  It's a lot like finding out there's no Santa Claus over and over again.

If surrounding us in books we love makes us hoarders, well then we'll wear that title proudly.

Glasses up girls, time to read!






Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Like Gollum But With A Laptop

So today it occurred to me while taking an online pretest that all my exams could possibly be proctored by webcam now.  I took note of what I was like taking a test.

Yup.  Pretty much that right there.

My poor proctor will have to look at me practically laying on the table curled into a hair ball all sorts all  back of the cave Gollum-like.

Randomly reaching a finger out to pick the answer....

The finger then quickly gets taken back...because during a test, the computer may bite.

And this has been a week....learned a lot, accepted a lot.  The hard way.

The most important lesson I've learned though has got to be that holding onto to anger, for whatever reason...no matter how right you think you are...will ALWAYS come back to bite you.  Trust me here.  I got bit hard this week.

I totally own why.  I own what I did, and I own the outcome.  I was stupidstupidstupid in a spectacular way.

My stupidity wore a tiara and a feather boa.

But through this mistake I see a way to a fresh start, a new beginning again and that is such a blessing.

Yes, I'm one of those disturbing glass is 1/2 full people....and I do like vodka...it all works out in the end...


Monday, May 7, 2012

Finding Sense Where None Exists

Death is an odd thing.  I can see why people need to personify Death...there's something....someone...to blame.  And you need to put blame on Death sometimes....

.....because sometimes Death is just an asshole.

I felt a loss last night.  And while it may seem the loss should have been felt much earlier, there was a finality to this that wasn't expected.

The finality is the key to it I think.   There's no going back, taking back words, changing what is.  Nor do I want that...even given the chance.

Surprised?
I was too.

And I struggled today with those feelings, those emotions and I still have not found much sense in any of it.

Except that I know my side in things...and on my side they'll stay.

My heart breaks for the ones left behind, the young tender hearts that will grow older much too soon, the older hearts that should not be laying to rest someone younger than they are, and the friends who tried...sometimes in vain...to be there.




Friday, May 4, 2012

The Meadow

The fawn carefully made her way through the meadow, taking care to not disturb the under growth around her.  It had rained earlier, making the ground soft.  She was thankful for that.  It allowed her to move quietly and nearly undetected toward the house.

Glancing backward she shivered inwardly.  She knew how short her time was.  If things did not go as she wanted...well...and this time her shiver was not inward.

A small face appeared in the window.  The boy.  He tilted his head in question. The house was still and quiet.  It was very early and he should not be up already.  

The fawn was now at the front stairs.  She stopped and considered the boy.

This was why she came, why she was sent.  And now that she was here, she felt confusion.  Things were not clear to her as she reluctantly made her way onto the porch.

The boy came out to meet her.  Cautiously he opened the door, his eyes wide with fear and disbelief.  The fawn crept closer until she was standing in front of the boy.  He put out his hand...it was trembling.  The fawn brought her head to meet his hand and rested fully on it.

In that moment everything stopped.

A warm glow began to grow from the fawn.  She turned her head up and their eyes met and locked.

The boy gasped.  In the fawn's eyes he saw so much.  It was like looking into pools of pain, happiness, sorrow and joy all at once.  He saw life!

The fawn stepped back breaking their bond.

********************************************

I have no clue guys, so don't ask.  This was something in my head when I woke up this morning.   I normally don't remember my dreams once I've had coffee....but this one stuck.

And by stuck I mean would.not.leave.my.head.at.all.
Like I could do nothing else until I wrote it out to this point.

My dream came with a title and plot line.  It's the most bizarre thing that I've had happen to me in years people....

So I came here to write it out rather than open Word.

It's rough and it's raw and it's exactly as I dreamt it.